bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
I have seen you puke and 5 mins later rock my world. So there is hotness there that average people will never see..
Randomize
