There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
Whatever, you were 10 deep and there was a hot tub. No judgment.
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
Randomize
