Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
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