How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
Just got done reading an 11 page essay for class. Took me three fucking days and the only thing I have highlighted is the name "Alexander Cockburn"
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
I'd risk everything I own for 10 min naked with her, 2 would be sex and the rest me crying like a little girl.
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
3 cups of coffee and some molly. The "Tay's Day Off Diet"
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
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