Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
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