I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
So.. I was kinda upset i got the bad fuck out of the situation
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
Randomize
