I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
The beers last night were like the tears from god
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
We have your weave and dirt in our room.
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
I was watching porn and wanted to change the tab to another video to cum but I clicked the wrong tab and it was a gif of a dog but I was coming and couldn't do anything so did I jill off to a dog? I feel like I should be guilty
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
Randomize
