Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
Randomize
