I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
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