the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
But you've got to admit , for how blackout I was I look fucking unreal in those pictures
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
Randomize
