I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
they thought it would be fun to get out their yearbook and see who hooked up with the most guys..I won...I don't even go to the same school
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
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