He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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