I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
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