Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
I got my period while he was fingering me , I knew it because I never get that wet.
Did u at least say sorry?
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
