What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
Randomize
