ok so i jsut did the walk of shame with this random guy that i had sex with at the hotel party, and the lady at the front desk said "wow you're just now leavin?"
Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
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