birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
I was Jaeger weird. I was rolling on the floor pretending to be an Olympic gymnast and my name was Gina
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
