How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
I drew a venn diagram at the top of my final comparing stuff i know and stuff on the test.
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
Randomize
