You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
he proceeded to grab my vagina through my leggings in the middle of the dance floor. strangely enough I was okay with it
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
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