I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
Randomize
