I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
So me and friend just finished Eiffel towering this girl and sounds great in theory but after the high five has commenced its just a weird threesome especially when you make eye contact with your buddy during the session
he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
and she is using the paper towels as a pillow... but you know what? i've done that too.. so u can really tell we are sisters.
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
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