Can a clitoris grow tomatoes? Its symbolic and rhetorical.
Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
