i think i just saw hanson at the grocery store. one might have been a girl. hard to tell. lets call that one taylor.
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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