He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
so explain again why im purple
no
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
Randomize
