It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
Dude wtf I'm sitting behind some girl in class who is creeping on my facebook page. I don't even know who she is..
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
Randomize
