I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
Is it possible to jerk off a nipple?
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
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