This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
omfg. get on facebook. the science olympiad team had a rave.
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
It's all good. Going back to my room to try and air out my balls.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
Randomize
