new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
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