I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
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