I murdered the dance floor call the cops
I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
She's just so happy...and so naked.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
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