I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
Randomize
