just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
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You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
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The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
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