he thought i was a dude.
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
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