He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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