He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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