i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
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