And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
Randomize
