well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
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