Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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