Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
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