the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
Well hey if hot cowboys are involved then all bets are off.
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
I woke up and my backpack was empty. He used me for sex, and back to school supplies.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
