1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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