He seemed more like the type to get donkey punched by a she-male hooker to me
Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
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So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
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Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
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