The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
Randomize
