that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
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