i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
Randomize
