In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
Sex don't cost a thang now that you can buy trojans with meal points.
Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
Randomize
