Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
I skipped class, don't know why though bc all I did in the meantime was cook pancakes and watch infomercials..my life sucks
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
2nd night home for break and we had to call the fire department to keep the house from burning down. At this rate I'll be lucky to see you next semester.
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
No. I think its because I really and truly know that he is a moron and his future prospects are zoo animals.
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
Randomize
