fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
i just sent this text using only my big toe
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
He posted a picture from Senor Frogs. I don't remember where that bikini came from and my sombrero is PERPENDICULAR. Safe to say it was one hell of a day
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
Randomize
