I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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