sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
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I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
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Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
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