Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
Randomize
