I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
all adderall does is make me the grand champion of using wikipedia.
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
just blew him in the library. I am a classy dame
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
Randomize
