My professor really needs to stop abbreviating. I'll never remember what "Fun. Anal. Trade-offs?" means when i study.
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Randomize
