im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
btw im having a "its finally warm enough for a bbq in Toronto" party tonight. bring all the alcohol you have. and hamburger buns.
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
Randomize
