i seriously hope you fucking die....you are the worst.
SHit! Sorry, sent to wrong person
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
I may have just googled Muppet Treasure Island drinking game
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
Randomize
