When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
Randomize
