Oh just a soda. I'm "driving"
I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
did u really fuck my little sister???
im not saying yes or no but just know that my answer rhymes with "mess"
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
So..I walked into his bathroom and found a bong and a blender in the shower.....normal?
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
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