I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
Randomize
