Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
I don't think I can handle being a slut. There is a lot more emotional stress that I never realized.
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
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