ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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