Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
Just had sex in the room next to my parents. Heading back to school ASAP.
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
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