i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
I really need to stop carrying a flask around with me in my backpack at school..
Aren't you in 8th grade?
9th, but that's not the point.
went to library to start paper due tomorrow & took those orange addys u gave. now realizing they were ur xanax. completely fucked and going to fail, but calmly at peace with the situation.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
Randomize
